In an attempt to cure my gingervitus, I must pick up hot ginger men and sleep with them. Face it, seducing people is hard, and when it comes to gingers.. nearly impossible.
When picking up men I either;
a) get too drunk and slur my words and forget how to put together somewhat normal sentences.. if i somehow manage to get them home I immediately pass out and/or proceed to vomit all over myself and/or them
b) don't get drunk enough and have absolutely no balls, which is not enough balls to try to pick someone up
So, my mission this summer is to figure out how to pick up all men (yes, even gingers, the cream of the crop) in an easy, flawless, time-efficient manner!
Over the years I have been given advice as to picking up men, because everyone knows I am hopeless at it. If I am not approached and am not properly drunk, I go home alone. I have been given some good advice, and some bad advice.. some really, really terrible advice. So, let's go back in history and be reminded of all the really shitty advice I've received from my flamboyant gay friends!
Veronica once introduced me to a man named Brian. He had once fallen victim to a 200$ a day ecstasy addiction but went to rehab, and still weighs about 100 pounds and wears track pants, but now spends his money on Lois Vuitton bags and wallets which he will shove in your face and then motorboat you. True story. One day over beer and nachos, Brian explained to me how a woman can best pick up men.
-"Wear something slutty! I mean, show off those wondrous breasts of yours!" (He probably motorboated me after this.)
-"Walk up and say 'HI!', ask him what he's drinking! That'll get the conversation going!"
-"If he doesn't respond right away, he doesn't want you! Just GET OUTTA THERE!"
I was also introduced to an ex-pornstar named Chad who is currently living with a man in a penthouse in toronto where he lives for "FREEE!!!". This I highly doubt. Chad was a hairdresser and when we got really drunk I would allow him to put many colored 'extensheeons!!' in my hair. Chad liked to get high and eat everyones leftovers, he also liked to wear ugly hats.. allll the time. He also hit on EVERYONE else that was gay. Chad gave me this advice: "Dress hawt! Strut your stuff! Act like you owwwwn the bar! Stand near him and make eyes with him!"
This is where I explained that I had no idea how to "make eyes" with someone, and Chad explained that you just sort of look at a guy and squint and then look away, which I am apparently really bad at and I just look sort of like I have something in my eye. This was deemed as failed advice because I couldn't even do what he was telling me.
Veronica will deny this but once while REALLY drunk, she told me I should start a conversation with a guy I think is cute, and talk about weird shit. Well, she said to not talk about stuff like work and shopping etc. etc. but to talk about interesting things, something unexpected, something to catch him off guard, show him you're not just another Betty. When I rack my brain to think of anything interesting, I come up with the weirdest shit. A few weeks ago I started a conversation with a guy about Mexican hookers, and he just gave me a weird look and walked away. I believe that when I find my Eternal-Archie, he will think Mexican hookers is a perfect subject for conversation. Although, I'm pretty sure my Eternal-Archie works at The Only, but all I have ever said to him is "Hi, can I get a big cookie please?" and that seems to interest him a bit. But, anyway, Veronica says it's this "whole stupid psychology thing that's supposed to break him out of his mundane 'social persona'", and like I said, this has yet to work for me because I am always too drunk and talk about the weirdest shit that just freaks them out. I think that when I try this approach I will talk about something just a bit weird that relates, like if he has a duck on his shirt I will tell him about how I used to have a pet duck, which is entirely true. But.. what are the chances of a guy at a bar having a duck on his shirt, I'd say probably about 0%.
Veronica also has some more interesting advice, and I quote:
"I pretty much always go for the intellectual route ( this works on nerdy guys). You just pump up your vocab 20% and throw in some obscure reference to Altered States, something well known in geek culture from the internet or talk about IDM music/Daft Punk.
Method 2: Confident good looking guys don't like to be overshadowed by chicks, in this role I play sweet and make sure I'm not acting drunk. Be nice and don't talk for too long, meet randomly throughout the night and share something quirky about your first conversation
Method 3: I am drunk. you are here. my opening line has been something to do with your appearance and we are making out and my make up is probably on you. Come home with me, I have "blank" (more booze, twister, movie) there."
Now, this is why Veronica never goes home alone. Confidence is key, apparently!
These 3 methods pose a few problems for me...
1) I can not use words more than 2 syllables when I am drunk enough to hit on anyone, I also don't know anything about Altered States or Daft Punk or what IDM music is
2) I am not able to not act drunk
3) This I can do! Only if the guy is also really really drunk.
My friend Nuala has told me to flirt very subtly flirt and don't be obvious about it. This is really hard when you're drunk as shit, and pointless because if it's going right, within two minutes you will be making out on the bar. Otherwise, she says to be confident, smart and sexy. I think perhaps it could work if I was just the right amount of drunk. Being "sexy" does not work for me though, as Veronica and I discovered last weekend at Suit Pop's over dirty martinis. I leaned over the table and offered Veronica and I up for a threesome with a ginge whom had earlier in the night, shown us some balloon animal tricks, and I was very adamant and obnoxious about how even I could do that. (Which I can, I'm good with all things balloon-y) I informed this Archie that I had 10 bucks, and he eagerly told me that he had 5, and Veronica then slurred that, that was definitely not enough for a hotel room and dissappeared for the rest of the night. Being sexy and confident usually does not turn out well for me when I've had far too much to drink, as most of the "sexy" things I say make little to no sense and are accompanied by a little bit of vomit and/or spit.
So, over the next few months I promise that I will
a) Get more drunk than thought humanly possible
b) Harass more men than usual
c) Try to go home with as many hot Archies as possible!
d) Compete with Veronica to see who can bed the most Archies, and the overall best Archie
e) Describe in complete detail all of the strange dicks I encounter
f) Try every ridiculous pick-up method ever invented, and am willing to take all suggestions!
Most of my friends are in long-term relationships and forget how to even get properly drunk, let alone pick up. But I'm pretty sure they would say something along the lines of this:
"Hey, just be yourself! Talk about what you're interested in and they'll do the same! If it's meant to be, it'll be!"
Unfortunately, I don't want anything to be, I just wanna get fucked, and you probably want to read about it.
