At the beginning of Friday night I began to think that this weekend would be a mess. But with the help of a ridiculous amount of booze and some smashing outfits, it all turned out fantastic! I was kicked out of The Only at about 11 pm and convinced Ronny to walk with me to House Pops, but we only got halfway. We ended up going to get some pizza and pissing outside of a gallery. "YOU'RE COVERED IN PISS!" "No, that's not piss, I was sitting in some wet reeds... you know, like.. long grass." I laughed and let her think that, but she had not even been squatting, just sitting and pissing on the pavement. We then drunkenly snuck back into The Only where we had a few Coronas and scattered off around 1am. We then went to the Trash where only the patio was open. On the way there I helped some men cut dead flowers and Ronny kissed a guy with a soul patch. Once we got to the Patio we met up with a few friends and had an interesting time using the bathroom, apparently they think it's a good idea to have the bathroom on the second floor. Not only that, but the steps are made out of metal grates, which is disastrous for a girl in high heels. While trying to pee I hear Veronica yell from the hallway between the mens and womens washroom "OHHH YOU AGAIN" and then nothing for about 2 minutes. She finally walks into the washroom and explained about kissing some ginger boy. This boy just so happens to be one of my exes, and we all got a good laugh out of it. I also bumped into a guy I slept with a few weeks ago and he got into a bit of an argument with me about me lying about my age, when I had in fact just never told him how old I was. He is only a few years older anyway. We then went to Suit Pops for one last drink and met up with some randoms we had just met at the Patio. We went back to their house and Ronny ended up kicking over a bong and spilling some water on her leg and on the floor. She took the guys hot dog, bun and all, and put it in the mess. We continued smoking bowls and about two minutes later she stares at the guy and says 'THAT WILL ABSORB IT'. The next twenty minutes are almost a blur. Ronny kicked over their 4-foot glass bong, and it smashed into pieces. (Funny because I spoke to the guy last night and he said he managed to fix it. Why would he lie about that?) We quickly fled the house, and stopped to piss in front of a law office where I got my new shoes covered in mud. We met up with some randoms while giving them directions, and that turned into a mission to pick up coke and get a hotel room. That might have been interesting but the next thing I remember is getting into a cab with 3 guys who were all probably about 16 years older than me, Ronny insisted. We got there and had a few drinks, and then realized that these guys looked like Tom Selleck (circa Friends, but minus the mustache), Daniel Craig (think 007), and David Putty from Seinfeld. I cabbed partway home at about 4 am in order to save money (I got so drunk and stoned this night and ended up with two dollars more than when the night began) which turned out to be a bad decision. About 2 blocks from home this sweaty-fat-teenage boy approached me while walking his bicycle and said "uh, excuse me" and I barked "yeah?? what?" and then he asked all shakily in his sweaty teenage manner "do you think you would uhh let me take you back there" *points nervously to the auto glass place, sort of a dirty old lot* "and uhh, let me fuck you real hard?" I then laughed and said "seriously?! are you kidding?" and he just sort of looked at me and skulked away.

Sort of an interesting night, all-in-all. I did not get laid, but maybe that's because Ron kept introducing me as her 'slut-friend'... Read more! Continue reading " "...

Last night I hired my mother to drive me out to the Rez so that I could purchase some Rez Rockets. (more politically correctly referred to as native cigarettes) And she brought up the memory of driving my first date back through those rolling hills, and how he had brought me flowers. I then sadly remembered that no one has bought me flowers since. What the hell is wrong with men these days? One funny fact about this small love affair was that I remember feeling guilty after I had kissed him, for some reason, and now I barely blink with a complete strangers dick in me. This, I am thankful for. Read on, my beauty!

Today I went out for lunch at The Only with my father, and of course, AE was there, good ol' Archie Eternal. I have been there 4 days in a row and he has always been working, which is nice. But today I decided to count on probabilty and thought he would most likely not be working again this week. Alas, he was, and I was wearing a pair of sad white shorts and a grey t-shirt. Every time he looks at me it feels like I've wet my pants, I just wanted to order a pitcher and wait until I was drunk enough to ask him when his shift was over. This will never happen.

While engaging in a tantilizing conversation with my father over black coffees, a group of 20-somethings strut onto the patio. What's this? A ginge hipster? Imagine that! He was wearing a grey sweater and had a bit of a hangy-mohawk and was wearing those strange hipsteresque aviators. He seemed to really be the star of their lunch break party. I have never seen this man here before (and Ronny and I frequent this spot more than any other), so the reason I have written such an un-sexed post is because I am positive that a beautiful Archie has either;
a)returned home from schooling and people like this always think they are the best, and that won't do
b)more likely, he's on vacation and I will probably see him around tonight and he'll be looking for a vacation fuck! YES!
There is, of course, a slight chance he is visiting a girlfriend, and usually when I hear a dude I'm considering pursuing has a girlfriend I don't even bat an eyelash, and if he goes out tonight, she will be with him, because he's visiting and all. That will not do. He could also be gay. That's unfortunate.


Soon to come tonight: a disco nap, getting Ronny from the terminal, getting drunk, then going out... to god knows where, but it will be hazy and hilarious, that's for sure.

Read more! Continue reading " "...

Know How

In an attempt to cure my gingervitus, I must pick up hot ginger men and sleep with them. Face it, seducing people is hard, and when it comes to gingers.. nearly impossible.
When picking up men I either;
a) get too drunk and slur my words and forget how to put together somewhat normal sentences.. if i somehow manage to get them home I immediately pass out and/or proceed to vomit all over myself and/or them
b) don't get drunk enough and have absolutely no balls, which is not enough balls to try to pick someone up

So, my mission this summer is to figure out how to pick up all men (yes, even gingers, the cream of the crop) in an easy, flawless, time-efficient manner!

Over the years I have been given advice as to picking up men, because everyone knows I am hopeless at it. If I am not approached and am not properly drunk, I go home alone. I have been given some good advice, and some bad advice.. some really, really terrible advice. So, let's go back in history and be reminded of all the really shitty advice I've received from my flamboyant gay friends!

Veronica once introduced me to a man named Brian. He had once fallen victim to a 200$ a day ecstasy addiction but went to rehab, and still weighs about 100 pounds and wears track pants, but now spends his money on Lois Vuitton bags and wallets which he will shove in your face and then motorboat you. True story. One day over beer and nachos, Brian explained to me how a woman can best pick up men.
-"Wear something slutty! I mean, show off those wondrous breasts of yours!" (He probably motorboated me after this.)
-"Walk up and say 'HI!', ask him what he's drinking! That'll get the conversation going!"
-"If he doesn't respond right away, he doesn't want you! Just GET OUTTA THERE!"

I was also introduced to an ex-pornstar named Chad who is currently living with a man in a penthouse in toronto where he lives for "FREEE!!!". This I highly doubt. Chad was a hairdresser and when we got really drunk I would allow him to put many colored 'extensheeons!!' in my hair. Chad liked to get high and eat everyones leftovers, he also liked to wear ugly hats.. allll the time. He also hit on EVERYONE else that was gay. Chad gave me this advice: "Dress hawt! Strut your stuff! Act like you owwwwn the bar! Stand near him and make eyes with him!"
This is where I explained that I had no idea how to "make eyes" with someone, and Chad explained that you just sort of look at a guy and squint and then look away, which I am apparently really bad at and I just look sort of like I have something in my eye. This was deemed as failed advice because I couldn't even do what he was telling me.

Veronica will deny this but once while REALLY drunk, she told me I should start a conversation with a guy I think is cute, and talk about weird shit. Well, she said to not talk about stuff like work and shopping etc. etc. but to talk about interesting things, something unexpected, something to catch him off guard, show him you're not just another Betty. When I rack my brain to think of anything interesting, I come up with the weirdest shit. A few weeks ago I started a conversation with a guy about Mexican hookers, and he just gave me a weird look and walked away. I believe that when I find my Eternal-Archie, he will think Mexican hookers is a perfect subject for conversation. Although, I'm pretty sure my Eternal-Archie works at The Only, but all I have ever said to him is "Hi, can I get a big cookie please?" and that seems to interest him a bit. But, anyway, Veronica says it's this "whole stupid psychology thing that's supposed to break him out of his mundane 'social persona'", and like I said, this has yet to work for me because I am always too drunk and talk about the weirdest shit that just freaks them out. I think that when I try this approach I will talk about something just a bit weird that relates, like if he has a duck on his shirt I will tell him about how I used to have a pet duck, which is entirely true. But.. what are the chances of a guy at a bar having a duck on his shirt, I'd say probably about 0%.
Veronica also has some more interesting advice, and I quote:
"I pretty much always go for the intellectual route ( this works on nerdy guys). You just pump up your vocab 20% and throw in some obscure reference to Altered States, something well known in geek culture from the internet or talk about IDM music/Daft Punk.
Method 2: Confident good looking guys don't like to be overshadowed by chicks, in this role I play sweet and make sure I'm not acting drunk. Be nice and don't talk for too long, meet randomly throughout the night and share something quirky about your first conversation
Method 3: I am drunk. you are here. my opening line has been something to do with your appearance and we are making out and my make up is probably on you. Come home with me, I have "blank" (more booze, twister, movie) there."

Now, this is why Veronica never goes home alone. Confidence is key, apparently!
These 3 methods pose a few problems for me...
1) I can not use words more than 2 syllables when I am drunk enough to hit on anyone, I also don't know anything about Altered States or Daft Punk or what IDM music is
2) I am not able to not act drunk
3) This I can do! Only if the guy is also really really drunk.

My friend Nuala has told me to flirt very subtly flirt and don't be obvious about it. This is really hard when you're drunk as shit, and pointless because if it's going right, within two minutes you will be making out on the bar. Otherwise, she says to be confident, smart and sexy. I think perhaps it could work if I was just the right amount of drunk. Being "sexy" does not work for me though, as Veronica and I discovered last weekend at Suit Pop's over dirty martinis. I leaned over the table and offered Veronica and I up for a threesome with a ginge whom had earlier in the night, shown us some balloon animal tricks, and I was very adamant and obnoxious about how even I could do that. (Which I can, I'm good with all things balloon-y) I informed this Archie that I had 10 bucks, and he eagerly told me that he had 5, and Veronica then slurred that, that was definitely not enough for a hotel room and dissappeared for the rest of the night. Being sexy and confident usually does not turn out well for me when I've had far too much to drink, as most of the "sexy" things I say make little to no sense and are accompanied by a little bit of vomit and/or spit.

So, over the next few months I promise that I will
a) Get more drunk than thought humanly possible
b) Harass more men than usual
c) Try to go home with as many hot Archies as possible!
d) Compete with Veronica to see who can bed the most Archies, and the overall best Archie
e) Describe in complete detail all of the strange dicks I encounter
f) Try every ridiculous pick-up method ever invented, and am willing to take all suggestions!


Most of my friends are in long-term relationships and forget how to even get properly drunk, let alone pick up. But I'm pretty sure they would say something along the lines of this:
"Hey, just be yourself! Talk about what you're interested in and they'll do the same! If it's meant to be, it'll be!"
Unfortunately, I don't want anything to be, I just wanna get fucked, and you probably want to read about it.




Read more! Continue reading "Know How"...

B & V= T & A

Hi gang and welcome to our brand new blog! As I find introductions awkward, I'll provide some key points which will hopefully explain our goal in creating this.

1. We plan to remain somewhat anonymous. This benefits you, the reader. Why, you ask? Censorship, darlings! It's a fact that most people research each other on the internet. We'd like to be able to divulge as many details as possible. If we felt like our family and conquests were wise to us, we might not use this as a free and open venue to post our stories. Also, we don't feel like facing the tears and wrath of many a scorned man.
2. Most posts will be about "hooking up" and the crazy adventures along the way. Why? We (Betty and I) have come together with a mutual appreciation for nailing hot guys. Particularly ginger kids (Archies as we will refer to them through-out). It's also brilliant coincidence we happen to have blonde and black hair! Sure, we do other things. Lots of other things. Trust me, this is more fun for you, the reader.
   
3. I (Veronica Vodka), will mostly be experimenting, toying with our conquests. I'm a few years older than Betty Beer-est and bored with the typical male-female hook-up dynamic. I will put men (sometimes women) into situations that may make them uncomfortable or even scared for my own amusement. I will also provide photos and stories of the aftermath.
4. Betty Beer will be testing out interesting pick-up techniques. Feel free to send in advice and she'll likely try it. Some may work, some may not.
5. We're sort of trying out this lame alternate lingo so we're not naming certain people or places. All bars will be named "Pop's" although they might be "Dirty Pop's" (likely a certain hippie bar), "Guido Pop's": a sketchy, meat-market dance club and so on. Same goes for the different variation of "Archie's".
   
6. Posts may be inconsistent. It's summer, so fuck off. We'll sit our asses down and write when we're good and ready. Enjoy! xo - Veronica Vodka
   

Read more! Continue reading "B & V= T & A"...